Friday 20 May 2011

I need a doctor

So after fantasising about The Doctor for a long while I decided to do something about it and got myself a box set of Seasons 1-4 of Doctor Who so I can watch at my leisure. What I really want though is that t-shirt as I just think it's really neat and cool but alas I'm not sure if I can get it anyway...still, I have to hope that someone makes it into a wallpaper so I can put it on my desktop

Thursday 19 May 2011

So long and thanks for the cake

So my super long text and plea falls on deaf ears I guess. Never mind I suppose, I get the hint and I'll get over it. To be honest, sending that text really made me feel a heck of a lot better because well, I tried but oh well, que sera sera.

Or so I thought.

How to put into words how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know, one minute I’m angry, the next I’m happy, the next I’m crazy.

I’ve screwed things up haven’t I…what, what were you thinking deleting her off Facebook, deleting her number off your phone?

I was trying to break off all contact with her and painful memories

Yes but you didn’t need to go so overboard and do all this did you?

No, but I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t just stop talking to her, I couldn’t leave her alone. It still didn’t help, I still have messages in my phone from her, all I’ll need to do is to hit ‘reply’ and I can…

Seriously? Come on man, snap out of it, this really isn’t you

Funny thing is, it actually sort of is. You know what, I almost slipped and snapped

Yeah I was thinking that, like what does it take for you to just lash out? I can see why you’re hurt though, you allowed yourself to love someone…sorry, biggest mistake ever. This is what you were fearful of. You knew. Things come to an end eventually but you’re just scared of dealing with that pain and anguish aren’t you?

Does that make me a coward?

No but all I can say to you is that you are not unique when it comes to this feeling, everyone has been there. Pull yourself together man, if it helps you to move on, allow the bad and negative thoughts to help you get over her.

You know what I’m like with dark thoughts

Yes but what else can we do? Lets face it, you aren’t exactly knocking down on her door begging and that.

No, we live too far apart

Exactly, remind me why you’re upset again? You barely see her at all. Seriously, you dodged a bullet here. I am you after all, I know what you’re like when you put your mind to it. Really, you could find anybody. Your charm is enough, you’re caring, you think things out logically (at times) and most important of all, you are devoted and loyal, you would stay with someone to the ends of the earth

Yeah, wasn’t good enough for her though was it.

Also come on man, you went out for a year and a bit and there’s nothing to fight for? Do you really want to be with someone like that? She bloody well insulted you with those pleas to be “friends”. I know you’re pissed off about it all but it’ll serve you better in the long run. She hates your guts even though she won’t admit it, you are awkward every. Single. Time. Why do you think she’ll want to be with you?

Give it time I guess, she’ll realise what she’s missing, until then I have to leave her alone. I think I’ll need a schedule and a plan. Yes, that’s what I need. Let me check my calendar…*Checks*…Call it August 19th.

Okay then August 19th it is, you’ll sort yourself out and move on and then you if by then you still feel something you can go into Plan B

Plan B? What’s that?

You’ll know at the time. Anyway, it’s time for some sleep now isn’t it? Trust me on this, tomorrow is going to be that perfect day for you and it wouldn’t have been possible if you were still with her. Trust me on this, get over her, you don’t want to be that ex do you?

Hahaha no, what happens if I feel down?

Write about it, put it up and then realise how stupid it was. Now sleep. Nobody deserves your love right now but nobody deserves your hate…ever

Yeah, okay I’m calling it now 0145 19th May, that was when I simply did not care about Emily Louise Lardner and quite frankly she does not exist in my world any more.

Goodnight

Goodnight

Tuesday 17 May 2011

Pose for the camera, pose, click, pose, click

Right I see, so even when I go out of my way to be early for something, fate or whatever it is goes out of their way to make sure I'm late...

No seriously, I left all in good time to get to this...thing, session or whatever it is especially as there's a non refundable deposit but blehh and yet I wait more than 15 minutes for a bus that really comes quite regularly.

You may question why I waited for that long but in past experience I've never really had to wait more than 7 minutes for that bus but today it was a no-show. So I upped and went and walked to the station to take the tube instead, at least I know I'll never have to wait more than 4 minutes for a train and ohhh look at that a train is already here and it's 1404 now, it's optimistic to think that I'll make it before 1415 but oh well, I think I'll give them a call to explain that I'm late..........once I get out from the underground (can't make calls underground).

*One train journey later*

Okay I'm out and I didn't call them as it was just a short walk there. After arriving there, they saw to me pretty quick and then I was groomed for the photo session...really? I don't know what exactly it is I was expecting but I was slightly expecting some massive and glamorous studios and something wondrous for a place where celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Dizzee Rascal and some others have been to, though I must remember to ask about that when I'm done here.

But even so, this is just right though, the place seemed to match my realistic expectations perfectly. Anyway I'm just sitting here waiting for my turn for the photo session and I've pretty much left it up to the photographer's choice as to what styles to do so I've no idea what to expect...exciting!

*One photo-shoot session later*

Okaaay, that was cool and quite fun, I suppose I should have brought my suit but ah well couldn't find it anywhere so I missed out on that. It pretty much was pose, click, pose, click, pose, click, change outfit and do it all again but hey, twas fun.

Now I'm pretty much waiting to view the photos before I'm done here and an hour is not a good length of time to be waiting...

*One photo viewing session later*

Well that was pretty good and I liked a lot of the photos so I ended up with a fair number of them, the price wasn't too bad either and all in all it was a pretty good day even with the bomb scare and all which me being the person that I am, only just found out when the lady who I was viewing it with mentioned it to me but me, I'm not afraid and will travel on the train home.

Would I go again? Possibly but the big question for me is, who referred me there in the first place? Ah well, I guess I'll never know

JASON (48)

JASON (22)

Sunday 15 May 2011

You complete me

Ah, books. Need to get back into them soonish, I think I’ll start by taking a book with me to places but what should I read first? Well I have a whole box of unread books that I certainly wouldn’t mind getting started on as they’ve been there for more than a year…huh really, when I think about it like that I think “dang, has it really been a year”. Oh well, I guess I better make a start to it.

Also tomorrow I should probably check out some gyms as I’d like to work on my fitness and get back in shape especially if I’m going to be the best ever. But also tomorrow is a session at Paparazzi Studios which I was supposed to be going with someone but now I’ll be going on my own and I’m curious about what exactly will happen but I am actually looking forward to it. It’s free but I’m sure it’s there to try and hook people into joining up or reusing their services again but I don’t plan on doing that unless it’s really something special and worth it.

Also on my mind is Doctor Who, yeah really am tempted to go and buy a boxset of it now so I watch it again as I’m so in love with the show. It’d also give me the chance to watch it in a straight run as opposed to having to watch it every week and forgetting certain details from the previous episode so that will be something different.

I’ll finish this post by saying who knew Michael Bolton could be so cool, certainly not me

The final game

As I wake up in the morning, I think to myself "oh boy" it must be six a.m as it's cold, let me sleep another five minutes and I hit the snooze button...but that wouldn't last long so up I get, pack my bags and head out the door off to make myself another memory.

Walked to the station and felt very content and relaxed (due to the lack of cars and people) and while the journey wasn't bad, in fact I was worried it was going too well. Arrived at Ricksmanworth station and had time to get myself a breakfast at the station cafe and couldn't help think as I was eating how this was similar to the Thames Valley match against Doncaster when Mark Gill took me and some others for breakfast before the match and ahhh I remember I put in a gooood performance then, was even noticed by the Doncaster players themselves. Still lost the match though

Now I'm pretty much in the car with Mario and Jason and I can't help but smile at how blissfully unaware I am about certain things, like I only just found out that we were playing Fulham last Wednesday in training when Johnny mentioned it. Now I just found out that kick-off was at 11 o'clock and I'm thinking "that's a bit early, but meh it means it finishes earlier"

So now that I’m here at the stadium it’s time to see what will happen…though I strongly suspect what will happen…

AND BY JOVE, WAS I RIGHT

5-0, really? That was a pretty poor showing and honestly honestly honestly, sometimes I wondered why we bothered showing up today…as if my week couldn’t get any worse.

So what went wrong…well, nearly everything. There was a massive gulf in fitness levels and quality but we had zero chance of winning in the first place. The passing was subpar and tactical nuance was missing from our squad too, mistakes after mistakes after mistakes kept occurring and I felt we were too defensive and just inviting them to attack us every time but then again I’m not a manager so what do I know. Enough to know when things aren’t going right and when it’s time for a change.

Speaking of change, I was asked what I was going to do this summer and quite frankly I hate the fact that my motivation for football has dwindled and that constantly I asking myself what’s in it for me? What’s my motivation? Why aspire here? There’s not really an answer to that other than to stay fit (goodness knows I need that lately) and…umm…prove to…bleh, I have nothing to prove though, except maybe to myself but even so, what will be my physical reward after all this? A medal or a trophy perhaps? Those are meaningless to me at the end of the day, so what is going to take to get me to actually get up and get out and prove that I am the best? Hopefully I’ll know the answer soon

Friday 13 May 2011

And there she goes…

And here we are point zero. back to the beginning, landed on a snake, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect....the end of something, something beautiful I thought. But I was wrong.

I've many thoughts about the why and what’s but I cannot answer them as for me things don't really add up, she's left me nothing really except a half-hearted attempt to convince me not to give up and that I cannot predict the future. No I can't but at some point people do have to make educated guesses and quite frankly your whole demeanour and attitude left me with no confidence whatsoever.

I've tried to look at things from your perspective and failed and tried again, failed and I just can't do it. Why? It just feels like it was all pretty much a lie, you telling me how much you loved me and that. This is in no way an attack on you or anything but right now I have been thinking about it a lot and I have just a lot of answers that need answering and you fail to give me them. It's a bit silly really, I don't know why I keep wanting answers when you yourself can't even tell me how you feel yourself.

So is it any wonder I have to fill out the gaps myself and I just...ehhh I don't know, it just feels as if I'm missing something, something you can only give me an answer to but you're either flat out not wanting to tell me or you just don't know and it's the second that gets me more frustrated. Like how am I supposed to know what to do if you don't even know know what it is you want me to do.

But I think I'm done anyway, I'm not wasting anymore time on this, thinking...hoping there's a chance that this is only temporary when I have received no vibes to indicate that this is even the case. Sigh...maybe, just maybe...

Tuesday 10 May 2011

The question

Oh why do I even bother with all this…?

Monday 9 May 2011

MMM…trade with me all day long

Wow, I’m just here thinking “What is with the influx of all these trade shops?” But meh I’m not really bothered as some will die a natural death while others live on slightly longer. I guess it must be annoying to just create a new thread and then suddenly see that thing plummet to obscurity but I think in situations like this, you’ve really got to stand out from the crowd, be unique, offer something no-one else is doing and that way you can rise and all.

Also seriously guys? 14 private messages all at the same time? Hoooo boy, now I have to power though them and reply to them all which I don’t mind but I really really wanted to do something new like EV train or catch more good ones to put up in the shop.

Anyway I kinda just stopped for a bit to type this…no idea why but anyway I best get back into the thick of it, no rest for me, I’ll be fine just as long as I remember that you go crazy and experience hallucinations if you don’t sleep for 4 days……or was it 3? Hold on let me ask David Tennant as he happens to be standing in my room right now, The Doctor knows everything… OOOOHHHH I LOVE THE DOCTOR…