Saturday 3 November 2012

You sicken me…your kind should be banished

This…is going to be long so if I was you and you don't like long rants, I'd stop here. No seriously.

Anyway today we had a cup game against AFC Mottingham, for those of you who don't know about this team they have no shortage of what we'd call "scum" in their ranks and I shall explain why in a bit.

The match started out as a bit of a shaky affair, they were pressurising us a lot but it was no cause for concern as it's a recurring theme with teams who face us and aren't very good. Play fast and furious for the start and ruffle the other team's feathers early to mask the lack of stamina in your own team. So all we had to do was to be patient as I knew that the last half hour in the game would be crucial as that's when they'll be exposed as the unfit team that they are.

Things didn't quite go to plan as we conceded quite early on as miscommunication rears its ugly head and Ryan and Tommy failed to deal with what should have been a simple clearance leading to Mottingham scoring in an open goal quite clearly putting a spanner in the works.

The second goal came from a penalty which was from a clumsy tackle from Phil but I do not begrudge him for this as he is inexperienced in the left back role and I suppose will gain the experience and get better judgement of when to attack for the ball or to stand them off.

The penalty however was one that was actually poorly taken, they had already made clear their intentions to blast the ball so all that was required was to save the shot that was clearly going in the middle but that couldn't be managed. Suffice to say, that was disappointing.

So here we were, two-nil down but cracks were clearly showing in the other team, they could not pass the ball like we could, they did not have a dominant and imposing figure in the middle that could control the game like we did. The only time I got worried was when we starting to play a little desperate and stopped playing short balls and were all over the place and lost our shape but those moments were few and in between.

The second half was maybe a little better however I did have a few concerns at how slow we were to move the ball from the back. I get a little nervous when our centre backs and full backs get the ball simply because there is usually little room for error and past experience has shown me that when put into a pressure situation like that the right decision isn't always made.

I am a firm believer in that if myself, William and Ryan are playing in the middle then we should always have the ball the majority of the times when we want to attack therefore we should quickly give the defence an option to get the ball to us as quick as possible so we can do our job and supply the ammunition for our attacking forces.

So in the second half they scored after what should have been a routine save from a long shot somehow squirmed underneath our goalkeeper to give them a three-nil lead. Yep, this clearly inferior team were winning by 3 goals because of us, not because they were decent or anything but because we gave them all three goals.

We got a goal back when William decided to dribble straight from kickoff after their goal and somehow Mario had placed it in the back of the net to cut their celebrations short but not only that they had managed to get a player sent off to make harder work for them as their lack of stamina was now beginning to show.

Mario got us a second and a third goal to bring the score back to 3-3 and they managed to get yet another player sent off in the process and thus the game went into extra time.

No-one could break through during it so it went to penalties which...well we lost.

If you made it this far...good for you, that was the match report, a little background information about what spurred this on and my utter disgust.

AFC Mottingham are the most disgusting team I’ve ever played and yes while it wasn’t everyone in their team so I apologise in advance for tarnishing them all with the same brush but you really aren’t that much better if you condone that sort of antics. Football………I grow tired and bored of it, I barely even watch it anymore as I’ve already been more interested in playing it than watching. I love playing it so much as there is nothing like executing a slick one-two or a piece of skill to amaze people, there is nothing like thinking 5 steps ahead of everyone else, knowing what will happen in a move, what you want to happen in a move and yet still being flexible enough to change at a moment’s notice when things do not exactly work out as planned.

Football is a game which it simply about getting the measure of your opponent and trying to score more goals than the opponent and that’s what things should be left to. So when threats are made, when people start essentially behaving like thugs and hooligans it spoils the fun for everyone else and if you are the sort of person that gets a thrill out of breaking someone’s ankle or leg in a game of football then…I pity you.

I feel sad and annoyed at how football has this sort of “laddish” culture towards it and people don’t display the proper amount of respect that anyone as a human being deserves. It’s sad how people can gain enjoyment over wanting to physically hurt another human being and using sport as your excuse where if you did that in the street that essentially is assault. Don’t get it misconstrued as I am not saying that no-one should tackle anyone as there is nothing wrong with a good tackle and I in fact really do appreciate a good challenge but when you are rushing in a 50/50 challenge at 100 miles an hour for a ball you have no chance of winning, what is the obsession with trying to just swing your foot and hit whatever you can? I’ve never understood that and while I don’t criticize referees as they do a tough enough job as it is. This is one thing I felt he should have been a bit tougher on as nobody should have to jump out the way of a reckless challen…assault, concede possession of the ball and then receive absolutely nothing for it. It worries me how little protection we get from teams who basically have thugs who want to kick and punch their way through ninety minutes of football.

The things such as threatening to break someone’s ankle after a game or even worse threatening to knock out a referee of all people simply because he didn’t like a decision, it’s sad how this is what passes as grassroots football, it’s sad how a team as violent and as scum as they were can proceed to the next round of a tournament, no doubt they will be reported and yet nothing will happen.

Vincent Kompany recently came out with a statement saying that at grassroots football racism is most prevalent during it which while that is indeed true I feel this whole racism issue as of late has been nothing but a buzzword for journalists and papers to sell their stories and to simply make money while not actually caring a bit for the actual issue on hand. The thing is at grassroots football the whole attitude stinks from racism to wanting to win matches to sportsmanship to respect. I really like playing football and it saddens me how more people at this level don’t really feel that way.

This is why England will not win anything, too much emphasis is given on physical and brute strength while not enough is on skill and technique of players and when you mix that in with the leniency that is shown to thugs and villains of the game all it does is create an environment where people with skill and talent get viciously kicked and harassed out of the game and then it just doesn’t become fun to play anymore and then become disillusioned and then they quit. Sure you can say that they do not have the character to rise against adversity and if their belief is strong they should keep pushing to achieve their goals and dreams but to that I say BULLSHIT! Complete and utter BULLSHIT!

Why should they have to constantly fight against the system? A system that should be set up to encourage talent, a system that should be set up to weed out stubborn players and to promote a positive way of thinking, a system that brings in players that want to win and enjoy football not to be violent and hurt people and get your enjoyment from that because then you are simply just in the wrong sport. In media everywhere such as films and TV shows we are constantly shown that good people get rewarded while the villains get punished, no doubt a lot of the times you will see the heroes of the story win at the end. Never has that been so false in football.

While I am only one man who doesn’t really have that much power to change anything, it really is time for a change.

Saturday 25 August 2012

Dodging bullets

Hohohoho, you bet I am going to use what happened recently as an entry and I don't see why not because you'd willingly talk about someone else and yet when someone does the same to you'd throw a fit, if there's something I can't stand it's hypocrisy and you quite frankly are the epitome of it.

The whole status situation was merely bad timing but I will not apologise for that because it was vague and it could have been about anyone. I am not going to apologise because YOU wanted to satisfy your curiosity and decided to ask me about it. The thing is I could have just avoided the topic altogether when you asked but I'm not going to lie when someone asks me something because I don't want to lie because people should just learn to live with the truth no matter how unpleasant than to live in a world of lies and deceit.

I also have no obligation to you anymore, I don't have to tell you what you want to hear anymore, you've got someone else for that now...oh wait no you don't anymore which brings me to the whole reason I actually put the status up, the whole reason why it was what I was thinking at the time, because you had already set your sights on someone else.

Monday 30 July 2012

Oh woooow

I love getting home at 1 am in the morning and having barely and days off…I love it…not

Monday 23 July 2012

Current frame of mind: Sunshine, rainbows and lollipops

It is a bright sunny day and it is also my day off at work, I quite enjoy it when the sun is shining on a clear blue day despite the heat especially when using public transport as it can become unbearable but I don't complain about the weather ever as that is something that really cannot be helped, if it rains it rains, if it snows it snows. I'm grateful for the summer sun as I know that when it's winter and cold I'm not really in the greatest of moods and because of such I have a strong preference towards the summertime. So the sun is shining right now and I should be happy but deep down I don't think I am.

I suppose the reason why I like the summer is because I've got more positive memories associated with the summer than I do with the winter but it seems that even now those memories can't really cheer me up anymore because that's what they are, just memories.

Right now I find myself thinking dark thoughts and it annoys me. It annoys me how I really should just be happy with what I have as it could be worse however it does little to comfort me, I still think these thoughts, feel how I do and I ask myself why?

I look at all the different factors in my life whether it's work, family, friends, love, sports, hobbies and I think to myself "what's wrong with it?" I don't think that it's either wrong or right to think like this but only that it is my current frame of mind right now, on another day I would and I do think of all the good things that I have going for me but this is not one of those days.

I've been thinking and I don't know what brought this on but whether I have been honest with myself throughout my entire life, whether I've done the best I could have done, whether I can be satisfied with anything I've done in my life so far and what purpose do I have right now. Maybe I'll work out the answer someday but for now all I can really do is analyse every part of my life and try and figure out what to do about it.

The bigger world

Hmm, I think…I think…I need to listen to people a lot more and ask them relevant questions. Just listen and ask, that is all I need to do.

Saturday 21 July 2012

Hidden feelings

It was a long time ago. Never gave it much thought until recently, the taunts didn't bother me, they weren't directed at myself but towards another. I was merely curious, curious as to the inner workings of their minds. The taunts may or maybe not have been accurate but that wasn't what I was intrigued by.

That was the first occurrence, I dismiss it as it was just kids being kids, there wasn't a deeper meaning to it, why should there have been?

Wednesday 18 July 2012

So why see the world when you got the beach

Like I said, Frank Ocean literally shits on other R&B artists, I can't believe that at one point I actually preferred The Weeknd to Frank at one point but I suppose that was understandable due to the fact that The Weeknd had just come out with House Of Balloons and Thursday which my goodness I got lost into them. However with Echoes of Silence things started changing.

I found that while Echoes of Silences was good it just didn't grip me as much as the previous two mixtapes. There were certainly more high points on there in comparison to the third mixtape which was a tiny bit disappointing. Then came the features on blockbuster albums, The Weeknd on Drake's Take Care and Frank Ocean on Watch The Throne.

Monday 9 July 2012

Your presence is like a never ending nightmare to me. Begone.

Time to start, today is the day I start pre-season training, all I need to do is get a head start on my cardio before the actual preseason training. Consider this year to be the year where I show just how good I am.

Doubters can doubt but in all honesty I am looking out for myself. I have no need to prove anything to anyone. I shall do this by myself, I've come to realise...that the betrayal is too much for me, yet I keep getting lured into the same trap, the trap where I trust a person and yet I am betrayed by them. I say...that I don't fully trust people, which is true...I don't. However the amount of trust that I've given certain people in the last few months has been too much.

I see you flaunting about and generally just being in my face and it makes me sick. I should not be bothered by it but I am. I am disgusted that this is how the world operates. I am disgusted by the injustice of it all.

I've repeated this over and over again but that's because it's actually affected me that much and that...bothers me.

I wish to see you unhappy because you quite frankly do not deserve to be happy. I am aware that I am a bit blinded by certain emotions however this sentiment would still be felt regardless, the only change would be I would be less vocal about it.

Am I being arrogant? Am I acting in a manner that I think that I am better than you? Yes...yes I am but that is quite because I am. You do not see things the way I do and......look...I dislike you. Go away and leave me alone. I actually wish I had never met you...that's what I want to say but this is a lesson. A valuable lesson for me. To not trust people like you ever again.

Saturday 7 July 2012

Friends? Or merely people I tolerate?

Ahh a week and a day, well it's still not bad. I just had to get my thoughts right for this month. I had to know what my target was for this month and it's been sorted.

But this entry isn't about that, this entry is about so called friends. I am...or rather I was at a point where I was just feeling so low and it was worrying. It is the reason why I didn't update for a week. Yes yes I am aware that this online journal is to record my deepest and darkest feelings but I just couldn't...for a while, I needed to compose myself.

So while the barbs of this entry may not be as...stinging as I might have been had I done this a week ago but...there is not much I can do about that.

Saturday 30 June 2012

Today will be a brief one

Really have to stop thinking these thoughts…it’s like I can’t just be happy and I have to find something to bring me down. Or maybe I was never actually that happy in the first place. I don’t know anymore. I really have no idea what I’m really doing in life anymore.

Friday 29 June 2012

Slimfast

Oh wow, I've lost weight? I didn't notice...well, didn't notice that it was as much as they said it was but yeah. Hmm I suppose so, still would like to lose more but either way this is what I said would happen, I'm really am starting to wonder why people do not listen to me more.

I did say that before the surgery and when I was told to stop playing football that I would put on weight due to lack of football so I didn't need people to point that out to me especially as I'd be losing it all again when my operation was done.

It was hard at first but only because I'm a stubborn person and return a bit earlier than I should and didn't let on that my knee hadn't fully recovered but hey I love football that much.

So what's next? Well like I stated I'd like to lose more simply to be a bit more agile when twisting and turning out defenders but I just don't have the discipline to go to the gym or whatnot regularly so I rely on playing football to get me the way I need to be.

So here I go continuing on a journey to be the best, the very best like no-one ever was.

Thursday 28 June 2012

Attacking it head on and with force

Hmm, hmm, hmmmmmmmmmmm, my procrastination has led me here, heeeere to my backlog of things to do/watch/play/listen to/whatever else adjectives that spring to mind.

I am writing this waaay before this has even gone up as a blog post so maybe (unlikely somewhat) I've done some things on the list already but so far....nah this isn't going to be a list, it's a muthafugging plan of action bitches.

Right first things first I must finish Final Fantasy XIII-2 within the week or something whilst alternating between watching the anime Claymore and the DVD Deano lent me.

Not only that, I have to also finish Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon on my DS so whether I play that on my travels or before I sleep it's got to be done.

Wednesday 27 June 2012

Haven’t we been here before? Alternative title: Same shit, different toilet of a tournament

England out, oh deary me, and on penalties too. What a shame and the same topics come up in discussion as the last time they were out of a major tournament.

Do I feel bad at this? No. Just no. Italy deserved to go through and the only reason I'd've ever wanted to see England go through to the final is so that the training scheduled on the exact same time as the match would have to be cancelled but it doesn't matter now does it, they are out =D

I was watching the match at the…boozer and I was talking to someone…(memo to self, must make an attempt to actually learn the names of my temporary workmates) and they mentioned about how when it comes to England football games, the culture is one that you see on documentaries and programmes which at first you think that it can’t be true and it’s merely an exaggeration but you know something? It’s not.

Tuesday 26 June 2012

Strange people around me, strange people indeed. Awesome

Ohhhhhhhmeeeeeeeeguuurrrll. Interesting site, veeeerrry interesting. Yeah it's something special, talking to random strangers about anything. I'm actually a big fan of the topics option where you can now select interests that you wish to talk about and the programme will match you up with people with similar interests and chat away about the topic (or not, could always ask for my ASL and that like some do). Anyway, due to similar interests in at least one thing it gives you a platform for a conversation.

I'm loving it at the moment, just having funny and interesting conversations with good people. It's nice to be able to talk about stuff that perhaps not many of the people I know are interested in like anime and manga and the awesomeness that is Jason. Plus if I ever feel like trolling people then thy will be done.

Heh the problem is always afterwards and chatting to them. The initial buzz you get when first meeting them isn't there so I dunno, conversations seem to get padded out with a heck of a lot of small talk and me being the blunt guy I am...yeah.

Either way it's still fun chatting to them and it gives you a chance to learn about new stuff and to get a fresh new viewpoint on whatever.

Hmm, I wonder how Sammi is doing...I really ought to say hi

Saturday 23 June 2012

What goes around…yup that’s it

I feel...I feel like, my importance is criminally understated but maybe that's due to others just not understanding how the world works...or at least them not really understanding how I myself view the world.

Now, friends, funny little lot with their quirks and traits. I mean what defines a friend anyway, what do I think a friend is? I don't even know. I suppose I can say I know a lot of people, others I merely tolerate but I guess I'm glad I know a lot of good people that I'd consider friends.

Thursday 21 June 2012

Well they got through, can’t say I’m over the moon about it but whatever

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/61015000/jpg/_61015311_englandstill.jpg

Hmm, okay you wanted reasons why I do not like the England team? The reason why I was disappointed when Sweden lost to England? The reason why I’m disappointed England got out of that group stage?

I suppose one might call me a Anybody But England person but I like certain players and certain teams style of football and England are not one of them. They play an incredibly dull style (though given time I will actually appreciate an organised and compact system). I also cannot stand their arrogance and their misguided superiority when the truth is that they are just not that good.

The other reason is that whenever England is the topic of the discussion, it tends to bring out the ugly racist side of people and I can't help but feel like I don't want to be a part of that culture, a country which they are inherently racist. To support them unconditionally would be like to support racism and that goes against every fibre of my principles. It just how I roll, I don't do things unconditionally anymore, everything I love, everything I do, everything I say is all because I want to and not because I have to.

So no I will not support England out some misplaced patriotism or whatever, I will support them when they play good football (bearing in mind good football for me doesn’t necessarily mean fancy flicks and fancy tricks) and if people aren’t cool with that then I’m not sorry and I really don’t care.

Tuesday 12 June 2012

Arrghh…my head…so many thoughts…

¿Que? What is this? Why do I keep coming back here? I swear I'm over her so why do I feel this way?

Quite simply it's because it's certain actions you feel aggrieved by, also the lack of...hmm how shall I put this? Karma? Retribution? Hmm, it makes it sound like she deserves punishment and that she is evil but it's not the case at all. It's the whole she practically has this good thing going and you've got what? Nothing really, it seems like you're worse off.

I'm annoyed because...I stay guarded and I close up my emotions because it hurts when someone betrays you like that...but maybe it's because when you don't show any sort of emotion for so long...things feel forced...I...I...can't even laugh properly anymore...my sense of humour is shot.

Let me tell you a story, this guy does drugs and gets a buzz from it and keeps doing it because he enjoys that buzz, that buzz...that buzz he lives for but one day, suddenly that buzz doesn't feel the same any more, like the sensation has been dulled somewhat, that his body has adapted to it. So what does he do? He takes harder drugs to get that same buzz, that same rush that he felt earlier but the same problem arises and the cycle continues until it gets to the point where the body cannot take it anymore and just breaks down with the abuse.

Okay so you're saying that the things that used to give me satisfaction in the past doesn't now.

Monday 11 June 2012

No no, please do continue, I insist

Ohhh so arrogant, the arrogance that flows through your veins and sweats out from your pores. Oh never mind the fact that you honestly don't care about things you are not interested in, I am not belittling it or anything, I just don't care. That makes me arrogant I suppose. Oh well, then I guess I'll continue to be oh so arrogant.

No I really do not look down on you or your endeavours, not at all. Oh course I think it's mindless prattle but that's only in my view and what it means to me. You carry on talking about irrelevant things to me. I don't care about who's sleeping with who and all that sort of gossip so I'll allow you to carry on with that talk while I do my own thing over here. No no no, please continue, I do not mind it at all. Honestly.

Friday 8 June 2012

No square shall enter in the circle of winners

Curren$y would no doubt probably be one of my favourite artists if I smoked weed or something simply because the production he has on his songs and his flow and rhymes just is so amazing, laid back and is so chilled but as it stands I don't smoke weed but I still love Curren$y and his flow.

I don't remember the first time I heard him, I suppose it might have been Grown Man by Lil' Wayne featuring him but I didn't really pay much attention, even had Scared Of Monsters on my iPod for a long time and I still didn't think anything of him.

Friday 1 June 2012

The void

Aaaaahhhhh, this has got to stop happening to me but that's what happens when you are me.

It's actually been quite bothersome lately, this hole...this void inside myself. I wonder, why now? I was perfectly content before but lately it seems that despite all the good friends and people I know, I have this feeling of loneliness.

Not just that I don't feel I can really express myself any more...that I've lost something, that I've become too stoic...

"Then again, the reason why that you feel that way is because you're too shy and that you don't really trust people that much. You've become too...aware"

I want to be brave, fearless, loud and reckless at times but I just hold back and it's so frightening to me when I do...because I hate being all shy.

I constantly belt out "Schrödinger’s cat, Schrödinger’s cat" at yet I don't follow that up a lot of the times.

Sunday 27 May 2012

How did I go this long without attending one of these?

This weekend I attended my first ever expo, the London MCM expo and it was quite an event.

For me it was never really about the guests or presentations that was going on and that as I already know how I feel about "celebrities" and there wasn't reeeally any presentations that I was interested in other than the Tekken Tag Tournament 2 one which I attended today. No no, it was always going to be about the occasion and the atmosphere there which did not disappoint me.

People came dressed as all sorts of characters at it was quite fun at trying to recognise all the different characters that showed up and seeing all the good cosplay (and the bad ones as well) that people did.

Sunday 20 May 2012

Revenge is a dish best served with…salad?

Revenge...oh revenge. The basis of so many stories over the years. The saying eye for an eye has been seen throughout history and inspired so many tales.

So what about it?

Well the thing is we all have our times when we feel wronged and that just punishment has not been served so we decide that retribution is needed and that we'll take it into our own hands but here's the thing, circles.

Sunday 13 May 2012

Zetta cool!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/fb/The_World_Ends_With_You.jpg


"Listen up, Phones! The world ends with you. If you want to enjoy life, expand your world. You gotta push your horizons out as far as they'll go."

Ahhh really do have to stop playing Fifa as I'm wasting time that I could be playing other games. Okay granted handheld games are probably best played when I'm not at home as I could be playing something on the television or online and all that but The World Ends With You was really a wonderful experience and the battle system uses both screens at once and makes for interesting battles.

Thursday 10 May 2012

Yep, there’s always an entry on this day

So yeah I guess this is a time of reflection and obviously I have to reflect on the previous post on this very monumental day where I talked about birthdays.

How do I feel about that now?

I’m a heck of a lot more relaxed about the birthday thing and reminders and I figure…well, with the help of Deano I figure that yeah I suppose it’s my day. May as well just take it in and all the birthday wishes. I have no problems with that anymore.

What else?

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Commercial success or critical acclaim?

Music artists aspire to have both commercial success as well as critical acclaim, some may manage this while others don't. The same sort of desire exists in other fields as well, films, books, video games amongst other things.

But what does that mean to me?

Sunday 6 May 2012

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…and it is also trite

Trends in music...yes, it's so blatant and so poorly done every single time that it's just...bleh.

I bring this up because it's been on my mind lately and yeah, they have an obsession with beating something to death.

Remember auto tune? Yeah, remember the time where it was everywhere and it just got to the point were I was just thinking "come on now, you're late to the party and even so, you've arrived at the point where it's just annoying"

Go away and begone with you. I can’t stand you people making dance tracks anymore. I’m all for the expansion of a person’s musical repertoire but sometimes you really do have to know when to stay in your own lane.

Friday 4 May 2012

Injury

It's tiring being injured a lot but then again I think I bring it upon myself a lot of the times but meh, live and learn

Thursday 26 April 2012

Alright, last warning

Okay this is my last warning. I WILL actually update this at the very minimum of once a week. I actually mean this. I have to stop leaving all my blog entries on my phone and actually go out to put it up on my page. I wonder if there's a sort of application to post from your phone

Inside the mind of the man

Ahhhhh damn it, this will not do. Making myself down when lets face it, there's probably no reason to worry so much...I probably am thinking way too much into this.

But heh, who was it that said that they'd love to know what was going on in my head and I couldn't help but think that you really wouldn't, it's too...much. Too confusing, not simple at all. I've never particularly enjoyed the portrayal of mindreading in the media as it's portrayed as a simple "oh look I'm talking except my lips are not moving so it's clear I'm thinking this" when...I can only account for myself for this but what about memories? Or images or even...I don't even know how to describe it.

Anyway what is on my mind as of late? Still all about being envious and not particularly feeling great about myself...or maybe I feel that I don't get what I deserve for being me. People say I'm a nice and good person and that I'll get my dues when it comes but I don't think it works like that...maybe I'm just being too impatient and I want it too soon but I'm thinking that there's no such thing as karma and this perception of good and bad is merely subjective.

So yeah...I really ought to stop going on Facebook as while it's good and that, it can't be good that I get annoyed at certain people's status like some of my exes and how they "love" their partners and will forever and it annoys me as while I've mellowed out about it more nowadays I still cannot stand lies and false statements like that.

Maybe it's because I feel that I was just lied to in my face so how can they go and say the exact same lies to another person who will believe them, who will fall in the exact same trap as I fell in...who will let down their guard and bare themselves only to be betrayed and made a fool of. It...disgusts me.

What disgusts me even more is that I'm this bothered by it. Don't get me wrong, I do wish them happiness and all and I don't want bad things to happen to them but I can't help but feel this way nor will I apologise for my feelings as I should not be made to feel bad for something that I have little to no control over. Nobody has complete control over our emotions and feelings but the majority have control over our actions. We can all feel happiness, anger, pride, sadness and many more but it's how we act on these emotions that truly matter because I know that whenever I'm happy I'm especially more generous than usual or whenever a person is angry they might punch another.

Anyway I'm done with this entry for now but ugh, I don’t know, I…just don’t know

Monday 23 April 2012

The Green-Eyed Monster

When you watch things from the outside you start to become envious of what people have. Even more so with people who are close to you and especially more so with people who used to be close with you.

After watching Fullmetal Alchemist I got to thinking about which of the seven deadly sins was I the most guilty of and at first I thought it was Greed with a bit of Envy mixed in but now I truly believe it is solely just Envy. Of all the other sins I can't really see me being that but Envy...maybe it's because...I want to be someone else...nah that's simplifying it too much as I'm happy with what I am but...there are certain traits I desire from people...I see them do what comes naturally to them and I wish I could do the same but I...just can't. Or at least it would just be a pale imitation and all.

It's not just traits I desire but what they have as well. Maybe I am being greedy but I want a "best" friend. I see extremely good friends go about and I make friends and I...don't know...............would I consider any of them my best friend? Would...any of my friends consider me their best friend? Maybe it's my personality and the way I'm just viewing things that makes it seem like that, after all I don't actually (or I don't think I do) get close to anyone really and while I'm friends with a lot of people I often think maybe the bond with some isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.

Hahahaha, I shouldn't even be getting jealous by these types of things but I get jealous over my friends a lot. It might not seem it but it happens especially when I see another person talking to my friends and attaching a stronger bond. It's fucking ridiculous. Fucking Envy.

I envy how certain people can be all confident and go out the and do their business whereas I don't know, I'm not even sure about a single strength I have. Like I said I envy certain traits that my friends have.

And then we have couples...I hate couples...at least that's what I told myself...I hate the fact that they depend on each other so much that they inevitably end up hurting each other and the fact that due to emotions they can make such illogical decisions but I suppose the truth isn't that at all...the truth is a bit obvious now. The truth is that rather than pour my feelings on this sorry excuse for a blog, I'd rather be pouring it on someone who actually cares.

Yeah...talking to a "soul mate" who cares legitimately about your problems and loves you for you and would do anything for you while in turn I'd be willing to do the same back...but I guess that's the danger isn't it, building the perfect partner in your head that anyone that doesn't match up to the standards you've set for the perfect partner is automatically considered a "failure".

To finish this entry off I think of one more thing and one puzzle that mystifies me, something that I've been thinking about the last few days and that's my exes, how they seem...happy now...and yet that bothers me when it really shouldn't. I'll...have to think about that some more.

Sunday 15 April 2012

The Fullmetal Turtle

Fullmetal Alchemist, something I've been missing out on for quite some time but recently I've managed to read the whole manga series and watch half of the Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood anime and I actually love it. This will go down as one of my favourite manga of all time (but seeing as I haven't really read all that much really I don't know if that's saying much).

Just the whole storyline had me hooked from start to finish, okay there were some parts that I just wanted to get through quicker but they even had their moments of awesome.

As for the characters, the one thing that I noticed was that no two characters were actually similar and that everyone had their own distinct personality and it made everyone......except maybe Sloth interesting (then again the screen time certain characters get does make a difference). But I realised that I could actually sort of relate to Edward Elric and I see similarities between us despite the fact that very rarely the main character of a story is someone I like and quite often I get annoyed with them a lot.

With Edward he has an automail arm and while it has its uses and that can be seen in several instances where if he had a real arm he would have been in real danger so really just making do with what he has and utilising it the best he can. That's how I feel about my hearing aids sometimes, the ability to switch off sound is one that is a pleasant gift at times. It's not like sight where you can "switch" that off with a simple muscle action of moving your eyelids. My hearing aids allow me to switch off sound at a whim but the downside of this and the downside of Edward's automail arm and leg is that we are completely at the mercy of it and me at least, I feel completely vulnerable if something happens to it and I'm exposed to the world of silence involuntary then it frustrates me because I know it was never my choice to be there in the first place.

It's why I can empathise with him and the loss of his arm and leg.

Anyway I'm pretty much just watching the anime and I'm loving every moment of it and I cannot wait to finish it...well, when it's over it's going to be sad that there's no more but ah well.

Sunday 8 April 2012

Battling on

Okay now I vow to update this with a minimum of once a week as it's getting ridiculous how I don't stick to things and get bored of things and just forget about them but there's not really much I can do about that as that's just the way I am, I’m always pursuing new things when things get stale (though I am guilty of staying in my comfort zone far longer than I want to be)

Right now I'm on my way to a football tournament, a 7-a-side competition between Nike stores after playing a match yesterday (just how I like it) and I'm excited because I haven't had a chance to play 5,6,7 a side for a while simply due to shifts and availability but either way I'm going to do the best I can because I know that doing that will give our team the best chance we have of winning.

What do I think of my teammates? I really don't know as the only time I've ever played with some of them is the 5-a-s...4-a side tournament we had when we started and that wasn't really a good reflection of how good we are as it was not competitive at all (I wasn't wearing any gear for football) so this time we're playing to win and hopefully we finish in a position where we win or we feel like we should have won it (by that I mean in a position where if luck was on our side due to some fluke goal or hitting the woodwork we would have won).

But anyway back to the point of this entry was really to talk about giving up. Why do we...or rather I do that. I maybe think it's because of I get into a comfort zone where I'm content with things and I don't continue my training or whatever. Perhaps it's because I find new things to hold my interest as well. I was supposed to be using Rosetta Stone to learn the language I've always wanted to be fluent in but I find myself doing other time wasting activities such as watching Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, not that I regret that or anything as I said I needed to experience new things and here I am doing just that.

So I'm just going to try and get back into my tasks and goals seeing as I made April the month where I better myself and I like to think I am doing that but I can't just be satisfied with that as that brings the danger of getting complacent which is basically just the same as going backwards.

So plough on Jason, keep going.

Saturday 24 March 2012

Back to business

Okay, it's a nice day and things are going good in my life...well I guess okay but anyway. Here I am with the rest of my Charlton team just wanting to hurry up and get onto the pitch because standing around talking is really something I get annoyed at while I'm here because if an opportunity to play football arises then that is the ONLY thing on my mind.

My ankle is still feeling a bit sore but I feel I may be able to kick a ball with little pain...at the start at least. Over the whole 90 minutes I don't know but we'll see now won't we.

Tuesday 13 March 2012

Missing and too slow

They say...a leopard never changes its spots. Try as it might, but it can disguise itself for all it wants but eventually it shall reveal itself to be nothing more than a leopard.

The fact is, no matter how hard this leopard protests otherwise, no matter how it carries itself or how it tries to pretend it is something...this leopard really really isn't.

Am I...am I just magnifying the negative aspects and threatening to overlook the positive traits that I have? Possibly, but right now...that's all I can notice. Right now, that's all I can see. Negative. negative and more negatives thrown into the mixture that I call my life.

Okay. As I go to work today I try tell myself that today is going to be a start for me, today is going to be my day. I woke up...I should have known something was up when I didn't feel tired or cold getting out of bed despite the window fittings and how it operates in winter. Yet I proceed along like the carefree, careless individual I am.

Then it happens...it gets lost...it comes crashing down. Despair welcomes me into its arms like a lost child running straight into the waiting arms of their mother.

But I shouldn't let it beat me...I can't let it beat me...I...have too much...and at the same time, nothing to lose. As Tyler would say "I'm a fucking walking paradox".

So off I travel to work...heh...this isn't even the lowest I've been but this is pretty bad regardless...

I...lost...the day I was born I lost. All I can really do is to reduce the deficit but the end of the game...I will lose. Defeatist? No, realist. There's only so much I can control that when you feel that you've lost control of them...that's when you feel that you made the wrong decision with the things that are in your hands.

Friday 10 February 2012

The Death of Death Note

Finished The Lost Symbol and I'm moving onto Death Note now...well I have been for some time and my conclusions are always the same... That while I may really really really love Death Note it severely declines the moment after the battle between L and Light...I don't know whether that's because of the characters that are introduced afterwards, especially Near, I just did not find them to be good or interesting characters but ah well, my next step is to watch the anime as I haven't seen it and would love to do just that.

Here's hoping I get round to having the entire series at my viewing pleasure just like I did with the manga.

Tuesday 7 February 2012

Blast from the past

"But I'm right and you know that I'm right"

Those were the words of a boy who would grow up to type it out 5 years later on this very blog. What was I referring to?

Quite simply me and Ken were having a debate on the best city in the world and of course I was doing my thing of beating down any of their suggestions with logic and it was actually quite fun how we went on for quite some time even gaining an audience to view and chip in with their suggestions.

I bring this up why? Because I was thinking about people from the past and how they have an idea of me and who I am and...or rather, how they don't have an idea of who I am. You know, maybe it's just my memory but some of the ideas some may have about me are just completely wrong when applied to me now.

So Bethany talked to me since a while and I got the feeling that the idea of who I am was stuck in the past because there were just some things that she said that made me think that that the idea of who I am was just a bit out-dated and stuck in the past.

I personally feel that I've mellowed out a lot more but of course they won't really know that and that is part of the reason why I don't really like to talk about the past so much…at least to people I know and knew me back then.

Monday 6 February 2012

You and I, we were born to die

I actually love how this happens, I'll just be oblivious to all the hype about a particular artist and then I'll decide to give it a listen before deciding HEEY This is reaally good!

Today or rather a few days ago I experienced that with Lana Del Ray and her "debut" album Born To Die. I say debut but really there was an album before apparently and was pulled or something like that.

Anyway for me music isn't about being the perfect singer or anything as for me the delivery and how you come across on the microphone and the lyrics will mean more to me than singing in perfect tune and melody ever could. I think that's why I'm hooked on artists such as The-Dream, The Weeknd and their kind of music as opposed to people like Usher because of the picture they can paint with their delivery and words.

Anyway with Lana Del Ray, I came into the album without any expectations and was...pleasantly surprised. Her breathless delivery, haunting melody and times of ecstasy just sends me into another world and has me hypnotised from the first verse of 'Born To Die' all the way to the last note on 'This Is What Makes Us Girls' (and even through the bonus songs as well) and I really enjoyed it.

I'm still not feeling Video Games but maybe sooner or later it will grow on me as it was the only single that I knew from her, in fact it was the only song that I knew from her and I hadn't even heard the song, simply saw it in the Top 40 one week and that was it, I didn't think I'd actually listen to the song but yeah it hasn't grown on me but there is still time.

She reminds me of Ellie Goulding and Marina and The Diamonds in that I'm eagerly awaiting their next album and that I want more of them but knowing that it will not be anytime soon if ever...and now I wish I hadn't reminded myself about Marina and The Diamonds as I reeeeeally enjoyed The Family Jewels...I think I need to give that another listen now.

So Born To Die is definitely is going to be my contender for album of the year and several songs will make my shortlist of top songs but hey, there's still the rest of the year to go

Sunday 5 February 2012

Yes you totally are a bi- I mean witch

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, choo. Freezing cold weather isn't cool whatsoever.

The weather has gotten colder than usual as of late which quite frankly makes mornings a bit of a pain seeing as the heating in my room doesn't actually work or anything so yeah.

I really ought to go to sleep earlier and thus wake up earlier because there is always so much to do in the day and waking up earlier would solve a lot of these...timing problems but the problem is not much really happens until night so up I stay.

So what else has been happening? Not much just the same routine really. Found out Phoenix Wright 5 has been confirmed so I look forward to that but it's probably going to be a continuation of the Apollo Justice story which I'm not too pleased about seeing as I found his story to not really be all that interesting but I guess we'll wait and see.

Finished the story of Bayonetta so that's another to my list but now it's all about getting the achievements if I can before locking the game up away forever like Dante's Inferno, Final Fantasy XIII, Sonic Generations and other 100% completed games.

I had heard about Bayonetta and it had received critical acclaim so I decided to try it (plus the fact that I purchased it nearly a year ago and just hadn't gotten round to playing it) and I wouldn't say I was surprised but it really was enjoyable fun.

The controls were easy and simple to get used to and could lead to many combinations while fighting and thus getting into it was incredibly easy. Torture sequences and Wicked weave attacks were glorious to watch and fun to execute and the dialogue and cut scenes were another thing of beauty with all their references to other games and that.

If there was a downside to it from my experience was that the story wasn't exactly easy to follow when starting and a lot of the times I was thinking "what on earth is going on? Wait, what's my journey about anyway" and the questions aren't really answered until the final chapter and by then it was a bit too late to really care and simply just wanted to complete the game especially when I was sooo close to it (incidentally, why is it I only ever seem to finish games late at night, why can't I finish a game at a nice time like in the middle of day or something).

So yeah asides from that it was really fun to play though some of the Alfheim chapters were frustrating as hell and I haven't even finished them all yet. I look forward to trying to complete the game on the hardest of hard mode (Climax mode) and no doubt that will be my last achievement on the game so then I can put the game down.

I just hope that on the final boss it isn't too frustrating and I end up physically not being able to complete it a la I Want To Be The Guy. I'm still annoyed about that to this day.

Saturday 4 February 2012

Guilty before proven innocent

So John Terry isn't going to resign his captaincy during the Euros because he feels he is innocent? Good for him I guess, in a society where people are guilty until proven innocent (and even then still guilty in some people's eyes) I actually feel sorry for him as he receives so much abuse from all sorts of people when the possibility remains that he might actually have been innocent but either way the media and society have already decided that he is guilty

Thursday 26 January 2012

Case for the defence

So basically you want to know why I deserve to play for Charlton? I will tell you exactly why I should play for Charlton.

Where to begin...well okay that last match I feel was terrible, no doubt about it but everyone has bad games sometimes.

Anyway for starters I should be playing because I can make things happen. I have the potential to win games. Case in point but when we played I believe it was Mottingham and the game was one all for the whole match and even with 2 minutes left as both teams were settling for a point each I snatched the ball and dribbled past two players and was calm enough to find a teammate who was in a better position than me to score the winning goal and I unselfishly squared him up.

You see, goals and assists means very little to me as it doesn't mean you had a good performance nor does it mean you had a bad one. So while I may not be leading the goals or assist charts, I feel the contribution I bring to the team is irreplaceable. The team we have now are unsure, rash and cannot use their heads more often than not so I feel what I bring is calmness and assurance to the team. I will seldom panic when on or off the ball and always use whatever I can to make the most of a bad situation.

My passing and especially my link up play is a whole lot better than the majority of players in the team. I can dribble comfortably and while I may be criticized for holding onto the ball for too long, there are mainly two reasons for this. The first being that no-one else makes the right movements meaning I have to hold onto the ball a bit longer as I cannot pass it to them because they are in a terrible position that passing it to them is pointless (case in point, last game in the second half I had the ball and yet two people were making exactly the same run directly into the penalty box with no attempt at a diagonal run to draw defenders away if not for me but for themselves thus I had to hold onto the ball a while longer and eventually resulted in a weak strike at the goal but the only shot in the second half).

The second reason why I may hold onto the ball slightly longer is because I don't trust certain people to not lose the ball or waste it even under absolutely no pressure. Yes this sounds arrogant but I don't believe I am because the facts speak for themselves.

What else? Oh yes finishing, it may not be evident due to not scoring many goals but if given the chance I have the calmness and can finish off chances that I get. Case in point, when we won 7-0 or something like that recently before the new year and I had a hamstring injury in the match and yet I still managed to control a cross, dribble pass 2 players and have the composure to slot the ball in the back of the net for my first goal and control another cross and rifle the ball in the back of the net. It also speaks volumes that even with an injury restricting me heavily I was still able to put in a better performance than many others.

I could go on and on really especially as I haven't even begun to mention my intelligence, vision, my wiliness to pass it backwards or sideways which some people just cannot do, my ability to create space for myself.

Sure you can mention the weak parts of my game but they are only weak because I do not have the proper support or anything like that. The common one I hear is getting back to defend and I grow tired of hearing that. I will work on that no doubt but two things to remember about that and the first is that, if we knew how to hold on the ball a lot better I and whoever else is playing in the middle or on the wing wouldn't be caught out of position so often because someone cannot play a simple pass or hold onto the ball better. The other thing is, I try and drop back if someone else is pushing up forward but undoubtedly I believe that most of the times because of my traits and skills the person who should be attacking most of the times should be me anyway especially as I'm an attacking midfielder and not a box to box one. My style of play is like a number ten and while I don't wish to seem arrogant again but asking me to drop back and play like a defensive midfielder is like asking someone like Jack Wilshere, Andreas Iniesta, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney to a lesser extent to play defensive midfielder. They can do that and they can do a decent job of it as well but it's a waste of their skills when they could be contributing so much more to the team.

Yes this was long but you asked me to justify why I should be playing for the team. You don't have to agree with it or not but everything I've said is the truth. I have no purpose to lie and deceive about this matter. If we were professionals and if we were on Match of the Day, I've no doubt the exact same things would be said.

Tuesday 24 January 2012

It’s almost as if this is being read…

Well what was the purpose of that? It...I don't know...it hardly seemed worth the effort. I mean what was the plan? Just to say hi and that's it? Did you want me to put in all the effort in keeping the conversation going? You really did not give me much to work with when saying anything. I really don't mind talking but to expect me to do everything yet again is tiresome.

How's life? How's your work? What exactly so you do? How's the weather? How was my Christmas? Did Santa get you that unicycle you've always wanted for Christmas? How's Lee doing? All would have been viable questions to keep the conversation going and yet...nothing. For shame really, for shame.

Still, there's always next time and I do hope a better effort is made next time as I can be very nice and that when I've more to work with otherwise it just looks like I don’t care. But we'll see won't we.

Sunday 22 January 2012

Here we are

How do I feel right now? I’m not even sure but I know I’m in a reflective mood about life. Now lets see, I am…22 and hmm how do I feel about life? Weary and tired but that’s when I then think “Okay, what can be done about it?” “What am I going to do to change that?”

The truth is that I just don’t know anymore. I had so many plans and dreams but I guess I was stopped along the way by myself.

But what of your life now? Well for starters I think the question is do I feel appreciated?

I…don’t think I do feel it, I don’t feel like I’m appreciated enough. I don’t feel that the things I do are really recognised and that certain people only want to look at the bad side of me.

Nah don’t worry I’m not really annoyed with it, just observing and understanding that people will always be people. People will always want to put emphasis on my flaws…in fact not just me but everybody else’s too.

I’m not going to lie I have a million “flaws” and all but I’m content in that because of three things and that is that nobody is perfect, everybody has a different idea of flaws and that I’m happy with the way I am really, content even.

What brought all this on? Well pretty much, people have been getting on my nerves and like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really feel appreciated.

It’s also annoying when a simple “hello” would be nice or even a reply or anything but nothing…I guess you still have a certain idea of me which is a shame really but this is just another reason why I dislike humans.

Monday 9 January 2012

2011 awards

2011 in music was quite a good year, as well as discovering newer artists there were quite a few old artists coming out with new amazing songs.

Anyway this is my top 40 favourite songs of 2011. This was quite hard to do as you have to remember favourite doesn’t necessarily mean best and that to be honest some of the positions are interchangeable.

I also had to exclude songs that I may have first for the first time this year but they were release ages ago otherwise I would have to put songs from Lykke Li in this list but ah well.

40-31

40- Welcome To My Hood- DJ Khaled ft Rick Ross, Plies, Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain

39- Martians vs Goblins-Game ft Lil’ Wayne and Tyler The Creator

38- Lord Knows- Drake ft Rick Ross

37- Marvin’s Room/Buried Alive- Drake ft Kendrick Lamar

36- The Ballad Of Mona Lisa- Panic! At The Disco

35- HiiiPower- Kendrick Lamar

34- Gotta Have It- Jay-Z and Kanye West

33- Champagne Showers- LMFAO ft Natalia Kills

32- Tip The Scale- The Roots ft Dice Raw

31- Ronald Reagan Era- Kendrick Lamar ft RZA

30-21

30- Fuck Your Ethnicity- Kendrick Lamar

29- Burn- Killer Mike

28- House Of Balloons/Glass Table Girls- The Weeknd

27- The Reunion- Bad Meets Evil

26- Sabotage- Wale ft Lloyd

25- Headlines- Drake

24- The Birds Part 1- The Weeknd

23- Blow My High (Members Only)- Kendrick Lamar ft Pimp C

22- Yonkers- Tyler The Creator

21- Marvin Gaye & Chardonnay- Big Sean ft Kanye West and Roscoe Dash

20-11

20- Give Me Everything (Tonight)- Pitbull ft Ne-Yo, Afrojack and Nayer

19- Novacane- Frank Ocean

18- I Miss You- Beyonce

17- A Kiss- Bad Meets Evil

16- Animal- Yelawolf ft Fefe Dobson

15- Electric Chapel- Lady Gaga

14- Set Fire To The Rain- Adele

13- The OtherSide- The Roots ft Bilal and Greg Porn

12- Joaquin Phoenix- Lupe Fiasco ft Lil’ Ronnie

11- Lost Ones- J Cole

10-1

10- Ric Flair- Killer Mike

9- That Way- Wale ft Rick Ross and Jeremih

8- 6 Foot, 7 Foot- Lil’ Wayne ft Cory Gunz

7- Form Of Flattery- The-Dream

6- High For This- The Weeknd

5- Interlude- Lil’ Wayne ft Tech N9ne and Andre 3000

4- Sleep- The Roots ft Aaron Livingston

3- No Church In The Wild- Jay-Z and Kanye West ft Frank Ocean and The-Dream

2- Words I Never Said- Lupe Fiasco ft Skylar Grey

1- Niggas In Paris- Jay-Z and Kanye West