Thursday 26 April 2012

Alright, last warning

Okay this is my last warning. I WILL actually update this at the very minimum of once a week. I actually mean this. I have to stop leaving all my blog entries on my phone and actually go out to put it up on my page. I wonder if there's a sort of application to post from your phone

Inside the mind of the man

Ahhhhh damn it, this will not do. Making myself down when lets face it, there's probably no reason to worry so much...I probably am thinking way too much into this.

But heh, who was it that said that they'd love to know what was going on in my head and I couldn't help but think that you really wouldn't, it's too...much. Too confusing, not simple at all. I've never particularly enjoyed the portrayal of mindreading in the media as it's portrayed as a simple "oh look I'm talking except my lips are not moving so it's clear I'm thinking this" when...I can only account for myself for this but what about memories? Or images or even...I don't even know how to describe it.

Anyway what is on my mind as of late? Still all about being envious and not particularly feeling great about myself...or maybe I feel that I don't get what I deserve for being me. People say I'm a nice and good person and that I'll get my dues when it comes but I don't think it works like that...maybe I'm just being too impatient and I want it too soon but I'm thinking that there's no such thing as karma and this perception of good and bad is merely subjective.

So yeah...I really ought to stop going on Facebook as while it's good and that, it can't be good that I get annoyed at certain people's status like some of my exes and how they "love" their partners and will forever and it annoys me as while I've mellowed out about it more nowadays I still cannot stand lies and false statements like that.

Maybe it's because I feel that I was just lied to in my face so how can they go and say the exact same lies to another person who will believe them, who will fall in the exact same trap as I fell in...who will let down their guard and bare themselves only to be betrayed and made a fool of. It...disgusts me.

What disgusts me even more is that I'm this bothered by it. Don't get me wrong, I do wish them happiness and all and I don't want bad things to happen to them but I can't help but feel this way nor will I apologise for my feelings as I should not be made to feel bad for something that I have little to no control over. Nobody has complete control over our emotions and feelings but the majority have control over our actions. We can all feel happiness, anger, pride, sadness and many more but it's how we act on these emotions that truly matter because I know that whenever I'm happy I'm especially more generous than usual or whenever a person is angry they might punch another.

Anyway I'm done with this entry for now but ugh, I don’t know, I…just don’t know

Monday 23 April 2012

The Green-Eyed Monster

When you watch things from the outside you start to become envious of what people have. Even more so with people who are close to you and especially more so with people who used to be close with you.

After watching Fullmetal Alchemist I got to thinking about which of the seven deadly sins was I the most guilty of and at first I thought it was Greed with a bit of Envy mixed in but now I truly believe it is solely just Envy. Of all the other sins I can't really see me being that but Envy...maybe it's because...I want to be someone else...nah that's simplifying it too much as I'm happy with what I am but...there are certain traits I desire from people...I see them do what comes naturally to them and I wish I could do the same but I...just can't. Or at least it would just be a pale imitation and all.

It's not just traits I desire but what they have as well. Maybe I am being greedy but I want a "best" friend. I see extremely good friends go about and I make friends and I...don't know...............would I consider any of them my best friend? Would...any of my friends consider me their best friend? Maybe it's my personality and the way I'm just viewing things that makes it seem like that, after all I don't actually (or I don't think I do) get close to anyone really and while I'm friends with a lot of people I often think maybe the bond with some isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.

Hahahaha, I shouldn't even be getting jealous by these types of things but I get jealous over my friends a lot. It might not seem it but it happens especially when I see another person talking to my friends and attaching a stronger bond. It's fucking ridiculous. Fucking Envy.

I envy how certain people can be all confident and go out the and do their business whereas I don't know, I'm not even sure about a single strength I have. Like I said I envy certain traits that my friends have.

And then we have couples...I hate couples...at least that's what I told myself...I hate the fact that they depend on each other so much that they inevitably end up hurting each other and the fact that due to emotions they can make such illogical decisions but I suppose the truth isn't that at all...the truth is a bit obvious now. The truth is that rather than pour my feelings on this sorry excuse for a blog, I'd rather be pouring it on someone who actually cares.

Yeah...talking to a "soul mate" who cares legitimately about your problems and loves you for you and would do anything for you while in turn I'd be willing to do the same back...but I guess that's the danger isn't it, building the perfect partner in your head that anyone that doesn't match up to the standards you've set for the perfect partner is automatically considered a "failure".

To finish this entry off I think of one more thing and one puzzle that mystifies me, something that I've been thinking about the last few days and that's my exes, how they seem...happy now...and yet that bothers me when it really shouldn't. I'll...have to think about that some more.

Sunday 15 April 2012

The Fullmetal Turtle

Fullmetal Alchemist, something I've been missing out on for quite some time but recently I've managed to read the whole manga series and watch half of the Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood anime and I actually love it. This will go down as one of my favourite manga of all time (but seeing as I haven't really read all that much really I don't know if that's saying much).

Just the whole storyline had me hooked from start to finish, okay there were some parts that I just wanted to get through quicker but they even had their moments of awesome.

As for the characters, the one thing that I noticed was that no two characters were actually similar and that everyone had their own distinct personality and it made everyone......except maybe Sloth interesting (then again the screen time certain characters get does make a difference). But I realised that I could actually sort of relate to Edward Elric and I see similarities between us despite the fact that very rarely the main character of a story is someone I like and quite often I get annoyed with them a lot.

With Edward he has an automail arm and while it has its uses and that can be seen in several instances where if he had a real arm he would have been in real danger so really just making do with what he has and utilising it the best he can. That's how I feel about my hearing aids sometimes, the ability to switch off sound is one that is a pleasant gift at times. It's not like sight where you can "switch" that off with a simple muscle action of moving your eyelids. My hearing aids allow me to switch off sound at a whim but the downside of this and the downside of Edward's automail arm and leg is that we are completely at the mercy of it and me at least, I feel completely vulnerable if something happens to it and I'm exposed to the world of silence involuntary then it frustrates me because I know it was never my choice to be there in the first place.

It's why I can empathise with him and the loss of his arm and leg.

Anyway I'm pretty much just watching the anime and I'm loving every moment of it and I cannot wait to finish it...well, when it's over it's going to be sad that there's no more but ah well.

Sunday 8 April 2012

Battling on

Okay now I vow to update this with a minimum of once a week as it's getting ridiculous how I don't stick to things and get bored of things and just forget about them but there's not really much I can do about that as that's just the way I am, I’m always pursuing new things when things get stale (though I am guilty of staying in my comfort zone far longer than I want to be)

Right now I'm on my way to a football tournament, a 7-a-side competition between Nike stores after playing a match yesterday (just how I like it) and I'm excited because I haven't had a chance to play 5,6,7 a side for a while simply due to shifts and availability but either way I'm going to do the best I can because I know that doing that will give our team the best chance we have of winning.

What do I think of my teammates? I really don't know as the only time I've ever played with some of them is the 5-a-s...4-a side tournament we had when we started and that wasn't really a good reflection of how good we are as it was not competitive at all (I wasn't wearing any gear for football) so this time we're playing to win and hopefully we finish in a position where we win or we feel like we should have won it (by that I mean in a position where if luck was on our side due to some fluke goal or hitting the woodwork we would have won).

But anyway back to the point of this entry was really to talk about giving up. Why do we...or rather I do that. I maybe think it's because of I get into a comfort zone where I'm content with things and I don't continue my training or whatever. Perhaps it's because I find new things to hold my interest as well. I was supposed to be using Rosetta Stone to learn the language I've always wanted to be fluent in but I find myself doing other time wasting activities such as watching Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, not that I regret that or anything as I said I needed to experience new things and here I am doing just that.

So I'm just going to try and get back into my tasks and goals seeing as I made April the month where I better myself and I like to think I am doing that but I can't just be satisfied with that as that brings the danger of getting complacent which is basically just the same as going backwards.

So plough on Jason, keep going.