Oh woooow

I love getting home at 1 am in the morning and having barely and days off…I love it…not

Current frame of mind: Sunshine, rainbows and lollipops

It is a bright sunny day and it is also my day off at work, I quite enjoy it when the sun is shining on a clear blue day despite the heat especially when using public transport as it can become unbearable but I don't complain about the weather ever as that is something that really cannot be helped, if it rains it rains, if it snows it snows. I'm grateful for the summer sun as I know that when it's winter and cold I'm not really in the greatest of moods and because of such I have a strong preference towards the summertime. So the sun is shining right now and I should be happy but deep down I don't think I am.

I suppose the reason why I like the summer is because I've got more positive memories associated with the summer than I do with the winter but it seems that even now those memories can't really cheer me up anymore because that's what they are, just memories.

Right now I find myself thinking dark thoughts and it annoys me. It annoys me how I really should just be happy with what I have as it could be worse however it does little to comfort me, I still think these thoughts, feel how I do and I ask myself why?

I look at all the different factors in my life whether it's work, family, friends, love, sports, hobbies and I think to myself "what's wrong with it?" I don't think that it's either wrong or right to think like this but only that it is my current frame of mind right now, on another day I would and I do think of all the good things that I have going for me but this is not one of those days.

I've been thinking and I don't know what brought this on but whether I have been honest with myself throughout my entire life, whether I've done the best I could have done, whether I can be satisfied with anything I've done in my life so far and what purpose do I have right now. Maybe I'll work out the answer someday but for now all I can really do is analyse every part of my life and try and figure out what to do about it.

The bigger world

Hmm, I think…I think…I need to listen to people a lot more and ask them relevant questions. Just listen and ask, that is all I need to do.

Hidden feelings

It was a long time ago. Never gave it much thought until recently, the taunts didn't bother me, they weren't directed at myself but towards another. I was merely curious, curious as to the inner workings of their minds. The taunts may or maybe not have been accurate but that wasn't what I was intrigued by.

That was the first occurrence, I dismiss it as it was just kids being kids, there wasn't a deeper meaning to it, why should there have been?

So why see the world when you got the beach

Like I said, Frank Ocean literally shits on other R&B artists, I can't believe that at one point I actually preferred The Weeknd to Frank at one point but I suppose that was understandable due to the fact that The Weeknd had just come out with House Of Balloons and Thursday which my goodness I got lost into them. However with Echoes of Silence things started changing.

I found that while Echoes of Silences was good it just didn't grip me as much as the previous two mixtapes. There were certainly more high points on there in comparison to the third mixtape which was a tiny bit disappointing. Then came the features on blockbuster albums, The Weeknd on Drake's Take Care and Frank Ocean on Watch The Throne.

Your presence is like a never ending nightmare to me. Begone.

Time to start, today is the day I start pre-season training, all I need to do is get a head start on my cardio before the actual preseason training. Consider this year to be the year where I show just how good I am.

Doubters can doubt but in all honesty I am looking out for myself. I have no need to prove anything to anyone. I shall do this by myself, I've come to realise...that the betrayal is too much for me, yet I keep getting lured into the same trap, the trap where I trust a person and yet I am betrayed by them. I say...that I don't fully trust people, which is true...I don't. However the amount of trust that I've given certain people in the last few months has been too much.

I see you flaunting about and generally just being in my face and it makes me sick. I should not be bothered by it but I am. I am disgusted that this is how the world operates. I am disgusted by the injustice of it all.

I've repeated this over and over again but that's because it's actually affected me that much and that...bothers me.

I wish to see you unhappy because you quite frankly do not deserve to be happy. I am aware that I am a bit blinded by certain emotions however this sentiment would still be felt regardless, the only change would be I would be less vocal about it.

Am I being arrogant? Am I acting in a manner that I think that I am better than you? Yes...yes I am but that is quite because I am. You do not see things the way I do and......look...I dislike you. Go away and leave me alone. I actually wish I had never met you...that's what I want to say but this is a lesson. A valuable lesson for me. To not trust people like you ever again.

Friends? Or merely people I tolerate?

Ahh a week and a day, well it's still not bad. I just had to get my thoughts right for this month. I had to know what my target was for this month and it's been sorted.

But this entry isn't about that, this entry is about so called friends. I am...or rather I was at a point where I was just feeling so low and it was worrying. It is the reason why I didn't update for a week. Yes yes I am aware that this online journal is to record my deepest and darkest feelings but I just couldn't...for a while, I needed to compose myself.

So while the barbs of this entry may not be as...stinging as I might have been had I done this a week ago but...there is not much I can do about that.